It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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