she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
