I faked an abortion last night.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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