Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize