yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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