Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
