im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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