The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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