just come out here and I will go home with you...
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
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He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
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I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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