My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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