maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
my liver is dry heaving
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
