My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
