Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
