I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i would one night stand the shit outta him
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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