is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
