i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
i need some magic done to my vagina
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
