Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just invented taco cereal.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
