I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
