just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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