Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
