I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
