I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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