...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
