first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
