If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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