Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
