i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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