he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
