chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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