i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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