Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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