if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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