Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
