my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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