Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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