How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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