HIV tests are more positive than that guy
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
