I wish they made helmets for livers.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
