In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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