i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
