It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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