just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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