and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
