Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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