he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
