i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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