I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
