well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
