my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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