I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
