ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
