thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
