Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
