so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
