He disabled his match.com account in front of me
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i was born a porn star she said
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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