if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
